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Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

January 19, 2006

When I said I was a millionaire...

...I meant I had spent as much money as a millionaire.

I'm also reminded of Catullus' poem number 10 in which someone calls his bluff when he boasts about the strength and number of his slaves.

Sometimes I say things about myself which are not true, and I slip between fact and irony like a snake in a bowl of baby oil.

For instance, I don't actually have an infatuation with large breasted dancers. Likewise my love for Tamzin Outhwaite is largely fictional too. In fact, it may surprise you to learn that I don't actually even know her.

By the way, she's on TV tonight in something called Hotel Babylon. Linguists amongst you will know that the word "babylon" is Mansfield street slang for "breasts". I guess that sets the tone for what promises to be a hugely successful pile of pants: quide liderally (D.J jive, rather than latin).

Anyway, you should know that I'm the parent in the school playground who causes mothers to call their children away when they venture too close to me. The Other Parents don't speak to me either. Not because I'm on any special lists or anything, but because I don't push people out of the way so I can get to the front, and I don't have unnaturally orange skin (in summer I go insanely brown if I so much as look out of a window anyway).

My eldest son has been presented with his list of subject options and we have until mid-February for him to choose. Obviously we're keen that he doesn't pick wrong 'uns. Like the one when I was at school that meant "fixing the metalwork teacher's old car" and was for the people who were expected to have a career in unemployment.

Some subject names I can fathom: Food Technology is obviously really just Cookery. Belief System Exploration Technology is just plain old RE, and so on.

Some are less obvious. Leisure and Tourism. What's that about? Drug taking and car theft?

Manufacturing? Huh?

Interestingly the three subjects Physics, Chemistry and Biology, seem to have been replaced by the all encompassing science. Lots of other useful academic subjects too, like business studies, and media studies.

I think they also do some sort of maths and english too. Vaguely. Don't see much in the way of languages though. But then all languages are scheduled to be replaced by the international speak of American Youth Indernet TXT

But this subject option seems utterly perverted; Resistant Materials.

You what?


  • Food Technology, when you think about it, should be about the best method to turn the entirety of a chicken carcass into a nugget; how to invent new dairy products by stiffening milk with various bacteria; how to hydrogenate vegetable fat; how to turn salt and fat into ready meals and how to pack them in cardboard boxes so that the Tesco lorry can be filled more effectively; and so on.

    By Blogger bot37363838, at 3:11 am  

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