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Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

January 20, 2004

Now We Are Six... er, 10... er, 14, was it?

Five Live are celebrating their 10th birthday this year, though I think of it as being older than that, dating back to the original Radio Five, which was, what? August 1990, I gather, which makes Radio Five/Five Live 14 this year.

With notable exceptions, I generally like 5 Live. It's got a good vibe, and it's a station whose style fits in with my life. I can turn it on, when I turn it on, and find something more or less listenable, unless it's that awful fishing programme.

I first tuned in when the station launched in 1990, found it diverting for a while, but not sufficiently different. Then in 1996, during the Atlanta Olympics, I finally tired of Radio 4 and tuned away from it forever.

As far as radios are concerned, I basically want one that gets 693 and 909, and that's it. I never, ever listen to anything else. Give or take Radio Caroline, I find music programming boil-inducing, and cannot stand DJ patter. Which is odd, because two of the presenters of 5 Live are former Radio 1 DJs, with Simon Mayo coming out on top.

What turned me off Radio 4, I hear you ask? I grew up on it, and even listened to the Archers, but (and this took a long time) I grew to despise Radio Fourland, with its arts programmes about arts that nobody cares about; and its religious programming; and it's women's hours; and its religious programmes; and Desert Island fucking Disks. Given how much I hated about it, it's just puzzling to me now that I ever listened to it at all. Oh, and afternoon plays about Northern Bloody Ireland *thunk*

My first experience of 5 Live was, appropriately, Jane Garvey trying to do a programme in a noisy Atlanta bar. Mainly clinking of glasses, but also a strong sense of a good personality and a classy broadcaster. I was hooked immediately. Garvey, with Peter Allen are 5 Live's A team, and it's a pleasure to drive home with them, not forgetting the lovely Jo.

To stop this turning into a love-in, I should mention that the two worst presenters on 5 Live are Anita Anand and Garry Richardson. Both suffer from that greatest of all sins in interviewing, not listening to the interviewee, and ploughing on with a question from the script that has just been answered. Garry Richardson is Alan Partridge. Anand is equally rude, giving the impression that not only did she not listen to the answer, but that she's not interested in the subject and wants to move quickly onto something that lets her speak. She's at her worst let loose with a phone in, because she always interrupts, cuts off, and drones onwards, because she's more interesting than anybody else in the world, ever.

Apart from the fishing programme, phone-ins always make me switch off, especially the morning one.

Suprising things to like are Johnny Vaughan's Fighting Talk, which can be hilarious, and Simon Mayo's afternoon show, which is usually interesting, on those rare occasions I get to hear it.

I do hope 5 Live gets over this anniversary rubbish soon, and just gets on with things.

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