.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

February 23, 2004

The Scale

Look away now if you are easily offended by thoughts of a slightly sexual nature. Some might say sexist, but what's wrong with being sexy? A lot of you have written to ask how I maintain my serenity within a long term relationship. Well, the answer is The Scale.

From a starting point of that Dudley Moore film which posited a 1-10 rating for sexual attractiveness, I did ask myself this question: Why would you bother rating someone, say, a 4? Where are the divisions in class? On a scale of 1-10, what is a 1?

My answer was that anything below the level of 5 on a scale of 1-10 was in the nature of not worth bothering with. So I started a scale of 1-5. Anyone not on the scale is a zero. There are no negative numbers. You're on, or you're not, and if you're on, you are indeed sexually attractive in some way.

But for me it's not just about sex, but the chase. As a great man once said of me, I am a connoisseur of the chase. So I had to factor in some means of chaseability. Hence, The Scale. Bearing in mind that to be a "1" on the scale is a great compliment. Most do not even Get On.

1. Wouldn't mind seeing her naked, but she may have some flaw that would require a paper bag over the head or indeed a sock (hose, not punch) in the mouth.

2. Wouldn't mind seeing her naked, no paper bag or hosiery required

3. Ditto above, would consider chatting her up with a view to going out

4. Ditto above, also excellent long-term girlfriend material

5. You'd throw everything away, house, wife, kids (if applicable), for the chance one crazy night of nakedness and love and/or running away together.

Obviously, you hope you never meet a "5".

You'll note the subtleties of the Scale, where a "2" could actually be sexier/better looking than, say, a "4", but you wouldn't want to necessarily go out with a 2 (maintenance problems etc). A "3" is the first point on the Scale which might include an element of the chase.

On the other hand, a "5" could in fact be less good looking and/or personable than a "4"; but a "5" has to possess that x-factor that makes you want to stupidly throw your life away.

Don't willy nilly, go around awarding Fives. It just won't do. If you meet a 5, it is apocalypse time. I know people who would be tempted to award, say, a 4, to every person who occasioned a second look, a turn of the head. For the most part, a second look equates to a 1 or a 2. Anybody driving a car is automatically a "1" because you only see them from the waist up. Unless, that is, you are unlucky enough to see a Five driving a car. Then all bets are off.