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Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

July 15, 2004

Le Cyclysm

Le Tour de France is a funny old event. Televised, yet there is rarely much of interest happening. Some say test cricket over 5 days is ridiculous, but Le Tour is played out over 3 slow weeks. Riders accrue points for sprint finishes, or for mountain stages, but these small things are there to provide a little daily interest. The Green Jersey, the Polka Dot, the stage winners, these are all largely irrelevant when it comes to the overall winner.

Richard Virenque, 34, won the stage yesterday, the longest stage, and the first with serious climbs (I think the first Category 1 climb of this year's Tour). It took him around 6 hours to ride 237 km. For much of this time, he was riding solo, ahead of the peloton on his own, which is of course the hardest way to do it. Last Sunday, around 7,000 tourists rode the same route for fun, for the challenge of it, and while the first over the line managed it in an impressive 6 hours 50 minutes, most of them were taking 9, 10, 11, 12 hours.

How many Weight Watcher's™ exercise points did Virenque accrue? I reckon one hour's vigorous pedalling is worth 6 points. An easy sum, then, 36 points, but actually he accrued more King of the Mountains points than that, and his emotional press conference was typical of the man.

Le Tour is a ridiculously hard event to compete in. Lance Armstrong, going for a record 6th victory, is 9 minutes 35 seconds behind the leader - this after 10 stages. In any reasonable event, it would seem a margin too great to claw back, but in Le Tour, the first week hardly counts for anything. The riders who make the early pace like the flat roads and put some speed on, but most of them fade away once the roads get vertical, and many even drop out.

Other drop outs include those who have horrible accidents. It struck me, watching one rider carried away on a stretcher yesterday, the contrast between the footballers at Euro 2004, who were so intent on cheating that they asked us to believe they were severely injured every time they got a little knock, rolling around like upended wasps. And yet you see riders in Le Tour who fall from their bikes at speed, their shorts ripped from their bodies and horrible scrapes and bruises exposed, just climb back on and continue riding. And footballers who are "tired" after 45 minutes running around after a ball are surely no atheltes compared to those who can do 6+ hours in the saddle and then get up and do it all again, 164km today to follow the 237km of yesterday, and 197km the day after that. Up mountains.

There will come a day in any Tour when the winner will make his decisive move. He will do what Virenque did yesterday and break away on his own, leaving the comfort of the peloton behind, and push his body beyond endurance to climb steep mountain passes ahead of the pack. His rivals will try to stay with him, but the winner will just push harder, until he breaks them, and they will all fall back. Armstrong has done this in previous years. No rider in the 100 years of Le Tour has remained strong enough and fit enough to do it more than 5 times.

And this is the interest of Le Tour, and why, even though there is not much happening on most days, it is compulsive viewing.

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