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Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

December 02, 2005


There's something uncomfortably smug in articles which tell you what to get people for xmas, though they obviously deliberately set out to offend everyone.

There's an incredible smugness in the current fashion for complaining that you have too much stuff, and that "Anything more than a bunch of flowers or a slim paperback will be too much." These people are the kind who suggest buying a goat for a goatherd, in some charidee thing.

What you should buy these people for xmas is that book by the "Life Laundry" person. And don't forget to look really pissed off when they buy a goat for a complete stranger instead of giving you a £20 note.

Top gifts for people who have too much stuff

1. chocolate - you eat it, so it doesn't hang around for ever

2. cash - slim enough to fit in a wallet

3. goat's milk cheese products - again, you eat it, and you support the goatherd indirectly.

4. a bag of coal (will soon be worth its weight in diamonds) - you burn it, so it won't hang around long

5. a slim paperback on how to slaughter and butcher your own food

6. a smack in the face


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