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Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

February 21, 2006

Aerial Adjustment

The winter Olympics are much better than the summer games, simply because there seem to be many more opportunities for spectacular crashes. As a boy, I always loved the bobsleigh, because it was so truly exciting when they flipped over.

Even so, I bet there are people out there (you know who you are) who would consider a helmet optional for such events, and would probably only don one under pressure from friends or family.

Yesterday, I was watching the slightly ridiculous Aerials, in which crazy people ski down a slope, shoot up a ramp, and then perform somersaults and twists in the air before landing - mostly - upon their arses, risking broken legs, tailbones, backs, necks - you name it.

Like many winter sportspeople, these guys are all fashion victims, and most of them were wearing glasses rather than goggles. As anyone who wears glasses full-time knows, a small impact on your spectacles can be painful - on the bridge of the nose, perhaps, or over the ears, where they hook over. I can't imagine how painful and dangerous it is to be wearing Oakley specs when you land on your face.

Minority sports commentary is the home of the super-bland buffoon, the guy who feels the need to be saying, anything, in order to fill dead air. Worthy of Colemanballs was the commentary on the replay of a spectacularly bad landing. The competitor landed first on his backside, then flipped forward and landed on his face, sliding face-first down the slope with legs and skis akimbo. On about the 3rd replay, the commentator said, "Well, he came out of that with dignity."

What? Landing on your face in front of x- million tv viewers and a live audience and sliding out-of-control on your face to the bottom of the slope is dignified now? That's like saying I look dignified on a dance-floor.


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