Anxious
When I have anxiety dreams, which is not too often, they are always on the theme of going back to school. This is because first day of term, September, after the long summer break was always very scary for me - till I was about 13/14 when something happened to change that.
This syndrome started on my very first day of school, when I begged my mother not to send me and spent the whole day in terrified tears. I suffered extreme pangs of anxiety every first day of term until the day I started at the Big School, when Paul H, whom I thought of as one of the cool, sorted, kids, clung to me in his own anxiety, saying he wanted to stay close to me because I was obviously sorted.
This was the first example of a 3rd party assuming, based on outward appearance, that I was calm and confident. Evidence that my own attempts to be cool were, surprisingly, paying off (see below). So after that I wasn't so anxious on the first day of term. School was my natural environment, after all, I was academically inclined, and nothing school could throw at me held any fears.
But then there came the day when I was to start work, my first proper full-time j-for-job. Having already fucked up the most important relationship of my life, partly because of my anxiety at starting work, I had my first anxiety dream about going back to school.
And it was funny, because it happened after I'd already started, and the dream involved going back to school, starting in the sixth form, and being asked to sort through boxes of cards, which is more or less what I was doing in the real world.
I had a similar dream when I was starting University. Felt no real nerves during daylight hours, but at night I dreamed about going back to school and looking for someone, Jenny H, who had been an early friend at the Big School, helping me to settle in.
Last night was slightly different, more mixed up, but still obviously on the same theme. I happen to be on a deadline to write something - quite a short deadline - and in order to hit the deadline, first I have to do a considerable amount of research, and then I have to write. This is something that is relatively easy for me to do. I can write quickly and I can write to length, and researching and writing is what I do best.
Still, I had the dream. I was going back to school, not for my own purpose, but to pick up my younger brother. Only I was driving/riding an unfamiliar vehicle, some kind of scooter, that I'd never ridden before. I didn't know how to operate it. Then I couldn't remember the way to school. Then I didn't know where to park, or which side of the school to go to. I knew they were holding my brother because they wanted him to do something he didn't want to do, and I was to go to "The Office" and sort it out. Only I didn't know where the office was. And I kept meeting people who knew me and wanted to stop to talk, none of whom could help me find my brother.
I woke up feeling like I'd been awake worrying about the stuff in my dream all night long.
This syndrome started on my very first day of school, when I begged my mother not to send me and spent the whole day in terrified tears. I suffered extreme pangs of anxiety every first day of term until the day I started at the Big School, when Paul H, whom I thought of as one of the cool, sorted, kids, clung to me in his own anxiety, saying he wanted to stay close to me because I was obviously sorted.
This was the first example of a 3rd party assuming, based on outward appearance, that I was calm and confident. Evidence that my own attempts to be cool were, surprisingly, paying off (see below). So after that I wasn't so anxious on the first day of term. School was my natural environment, after all, I was academically inclined, and nothing school could throw at me held any fears.
But then there came the day when I was to start work, my first proper full-time j-for-job. Having already fucked up the most important relationship of my life, partly because of my anxiety at starting work, I had my first anxiety dream about going back to school.
And it was funny, because it happened after I'd already started, and the dream involved going back to school, starting in the sixth form, and being asked to sort through boxes of cards, which is more or less what I was doing in the real world.
I had a similar dream when I was starting University. Felt no real nerves during daylight hours, but at night I dreamed about going back to school and looking for someone, Jenny H, who had been an early friend at the Big School, helping me to settle in.
Last night was slightly different, more mixed up, but still obviously on the same theme. I happen to be on a deadline to write something - quite a short deadline - and in order to hit the deadline, first I have to do a considerable amount of research, and then I have to write. This is something that is relatively easy for me to do. I can write quickly and I can write to length, and researching and writing is what I do best.
Still, I had the dream. I was going back to school, not for my own purpose, but to pick up my younger brother. Only I was driving/riding an unfamiliar vehicle, some kind of scooter, that I'd never ridden before. I didn't know how to operate it. Then I couldn't remember the way to school. Then I didn't know where to park, or which side of the school to go to. I knew they were holding my brother because they wanted him to do something he didn't want to do, and I was to go to "The Office" and sort it out. Only I didn't know where the office was. And I kept meeting people who knew me and wanted to stop to talk, none of whom could help me find my brother.
I woke up feeling like I'd been awake worrying about the stuff in my dream all night long.
posted by Anonymous at
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
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