Your Questions Answered - #4

It's time for our periodic trawl through your questions. People come to Hoses of the Holy for answers, and I'm happy to provide them, since nobody else seems to know anything.

• sarah beany - first of all, is this a question? I suspect you have a prurient interest in Ms Beany's balls. Were you bottle fed as a baby? Get over it.


• diesel petrol mileage difference - I cheated a bit to arrive at the figures, because I'm not accountable to anyone, especially you, but it can take anything from between 40,000 and 70,000 miles to recoup the extra cost of a diesel car. Depending on your annual mileage, in other words, it could take as long as 5 years for a diesel to pay for itself. If you tend to keep your cars for 3 years or so, you should give it careful thought. On the other hand, your modern diesel engine is increasingly good, and quite good fun to drive. You can drive a turbodiesel quite hard and still get pretty good mpg. Few people beat me away from the lights, and I get nearly 52 mpg as a long-term average.


• being polite when customer is angry - never works, does it? Try a little empathy. Like the blind people who were thrown off that Ryanair flight - instead of placating them, offering to put them up in hotels, compensate them, Ryanair officials immediately threatened to call the police when they got angry. No doubt, they'd have used anti-terror legislation against them. For being blind. And, you know, angry.


• she wets the bed 5 times likes it - I strongly suspect you are a pervert. Apologies if not. Insincere apologies.


• pronounce shrewsbury ' how to correctly pronounce shrewsbury - there's only one way, the right way. Get over it.


• wogan janet and john - I agree, these Janet and John stories Wogan reads out are very funny, and no, I don't know who writes them for him


• stellini pasta supplier - have you tried, I don't know, a supermarket? I suspect you are short and cannot see the top shelf. Ask a grown-up.


• campbells tuna bake - the recipe can usually be found on the condensed cream of mushroom soup tins. Basically it's all tins, and very quick and easy. You cook about 200-250g pasta (e.g. twists), drain it, and add a tin of tomatoes, tin of cream of mush soup, a soup-tin amount of milk, a tin of tuna, cover with cheese, and bake in the oven till the cheese is brown and bubbly. Try also adding a tin or half tin of black olives, and instead of chedd-ar, try slices of low fat mozzarella. It's delicione macaroni.


• britains worst town - is wherever I used to live, apparently. Luton, Snottingham, that kind of place. Snottingham even has an Image and Reputation Official, or something, which you know things have got bad when they do that. A spin doctor to convince the world that Snottingham is not a shit-hole. Newsflash: it's a shit-hole.


• party conference season history - I think you'll find that this is not a terribly interesting subject to research. Try looking up Sarah Beany instead.


• lauretta nkwocha - I don't know about you, but I'm going off her a bit.


• comprende - no, life doesn't make any more sense in Spanish than it does in English.


• magimix dice chop onions - Magimix, pah! Don't get me started. I used to swear by them because the motors were so good, but then they started to make them all fancy. These days, the bowls and lids aren't fit for purpose and break too easily. For chopping and dicing vegetables, I suggest you invest in a Henckel knife, or a set of knives. Forget that trendy Japanese stuff - it's just for show.


• mergitur is the third word of the Parisian motto: fluctuat nec mergitur, which means float, don't sink, or something.


• And, finally, HALLMARK LOTTERY PROMOTION INTERNATIONAL - no, you haven't won the lottery you didn't enter, you fool.