Ad Roundup

As a world-renowned marketing expert, it's up to me to tell you what to think about current adverts on the telly. So here goes.

In that pizza ad, the one where they crash their car and the pizza ends up all over the windscreen, do you think they go back to get another one, afterwards? Because, to be honest, it doesn't look very appetising.

Ask.com. In this ad, some smelly old slacker who needs a wash and a shave goes around cadging stuff off people. Kind of like the nightmare acquaintance you might have had at university, the one who never had any money and always seemed to turn up at mealtimes. Now is your chance to say what you should have said all those years ago: FUCK OFF!

SEAT Leon. In this one, some very frightening and freaky people try to scare my kids into buying a car. LEAVE THEM ALONE. THEY DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, YOU SHITBIRD FUCKCAKES.

In the eBay ads, they neglect to use the original script, which informs you that attempting to sell your shit on eBay will expose you to the fraudulent, criminal, bottom-feeding scum of the universe, who will harass you and attempt to make your life a misery.

Audi RS4. In this one, they try to scare my children with spiders and cobwebs. ARE YOU ACTUALLY STUPID, YOU TWATS?

Red Bull features a bunch of idiots throwing themselves off Brighton Pier, or somewhere. The message of this ad is as follows: People who drink Red Bull are idiots. You see? It's all very clever.

That's all for now. Has anyone else noticed that the new Berliner-size Guardian is hard to fold, so that it's difficult to hide your embarrassment when you buy a copy? What's going on with that?