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Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

March 08, 2006

Fucking Shitfaced Student Loan Bastards AGAIN!!!???

Older readers may remember that last November I had a run-in with the so-called Honours Student Loan Company, which appears to be a front for the Sopranos.

In April 2004, I phoned the company and asked for a settlement figure. Paid it.

In November last year, they sent me a letter telling me I owed them £58. I don't know why, but when I asked for a SETTLEMENT FIGURE, they gave me the figure MINUS £41, which they proceeded to add interest to.

Clever.

Last November, steam coming out of my ears, I decided that paying the £41 was the only way to get them off my back. I told them I wasn't going to pay the interest, though.

Today I got a letter, as I predicted back then asking for the interest, threatening to add some more interest. £16.94.

Holy Jesus fucking Christ on a shitting bastard mountain! WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO GET THESE BASTARDS OFF MY BACK?? Do they want me to kill someone? Is that it? Do I have to assassinate the Capo of one of the other Families to clear my debt?

So I just phoned and shouted at them (I'll probably be arrested under the anti-terror legislation later) and they SAY they've closed the account, but I bet they fucking haven't.

1 Comments:

  • I am utterly breathless at the wonder of this sort of thing.

    I really am speechless at the real interminability of these sorts of people.

    Sometimes I wonder whether I'm turning into Victor Meldrew, but one look at the facts just convinces me that it's not me: it's them.

    There really are institutions that take money from you who really don't have the slightest fucking inkling of what they're doing if something slightly out-of-the-ordinary needs to happen.

    There's no such thing as human intervention to correct an error. It really is a fucking unstoppable automated juggernaut.

    See, money is managed by computers. Computers go wrong. Computers are managed by fucking dizzy credit controllers who are more concerned about the latest sort of mobile than anything else. They don't understand finance; they don't understand the process logic.

    Thus when something goes wrong there's nobody who can actually get to the root of the problem. They'll amend the detail on this specific spreadsheet. "Yes, I've sorted it for you, sir" but the spreadsheet refreshes each morning from some fucking obscure Oracle database in India.

    It'll never be sorted, mate. I've got two of them: the Inland Revenue and NTL.

    By Blogger SimonHolyHoses, at 2:39 am  

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