Celebrity Ratings #1

Roy's discussion of my ratings scale (see The Scale for details) the other day popped into my head at the traffic lights recently, when I saw a huge poster of Trinny and Susannah. So as part of an occasional series, I thought I'd dish out some celebrity ratings. Look away now if you plan to be offended by this. Frankly, these people shove themselves into the limelight, attention seekers the lot of them. So here is some attention.

By default, of course, most celebrities are going to be 1 or 0 on the scale. Almost every celebrity of any gender requires a sock in the mouth, and many also require a paper bag on the head (I've added in brackets the prop required by the celebrity to achieve their score).

• Trinny - the skinny, flat-chested one, always more attractive to me. She gets a 1 (sock).


• Susannah - not actually fat, but next to the skinny one can be mistakenly identified as fat. 0.


• Kirstie - the property programme woman. I was going to say 0, but then there are some quite foccy pictures of her in this weeks Radio Times. So, go on then: 1 (sock)


• Billie - far too young to warrant anything over 0


• Kylie - this lantern-jawed small person is a 1 (paper bag)


• Shelley Wordsworth from Storymakers on CBeebies - this radiant beauty scores a 2.


• Maura Tierney - Maura is a 5, if ever I saw one - hope I never meet her, because it would ruin my life


• Jolene Blalock from Enterprise is a 1 (paper bag), but a 2 if she keeps her Vulcan ears and wig on

That is all.