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Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

May 17, 2005

Celebrity Ratings #1

Roy's discussion of my ratings scale (see The Scale for details) the other day popped into my head at the traffic lights recently, when I saw a huge poster of Trinny and Susannah. So as part of an occasional series, I thought I'd dish out some celebrity ratings. Look away now if you plan to be offended by this. Frankly, these people shove themselves into the limelight, attention seekers the lot of them. So here is some attention.

By default, of course, most celebrities are going to be 1 or 0 on the scale. Almost every celebrity of any gender requires a sock in the mouth, and many also require a paper bag on the head (I've added in brackets the prop required by the celebrity to achieve their score).

  • Trinny - the skinny, flat-chested one, always more attractive to me. She gets a 1 (sock).

  • Susannah - not actually fat, but next to the skinny one can be mistakenly identified as fat. 0.

  • Kirstie - the property programme woman. I was going to say 0, but then there are some quite foccy pictures of her in this weeks Radio Times. So, go on then: 1 (sock)

  • Billie - far too young to warrant anything over 0

  • Kylie - this lantern-jawed small person is a 1 (paper bag)

  • Shelley Wordsworth from Storymakers on CBeebies - this radiant beauty scores a 2.

  • Maura Tierney - Maura is a 5, if ever I saw one - hope I never meet her, because it would ruin my life

  • Jolene Blalock from Enterprise is a 1 (paper bag), but a 2 if she keeps her Vulcan ears and wig on

That is all.

6 Comments:

  • The theme tune to Blue Cow on storymakers always does strange things to my karma.

    By Blogger SimonHolyHoses, at 6:48 am  

  • i'm a big fan of milton wordsworth - though not sexually. not that there would be anything wrong with me liking him sexually, of course. i just don't. but he's so cool.

    By Blogger dog, at 7:03 am  

  • Face it, the whole family is cool, but Shelley is the only one I'd want to see naked. Interesting how the actress who plays her isn't all over the internet like the low rent children's-tv-top-of-the-pops etc. crowd.

    I wonder if that means she's some kind of Christian or something?

    By Blogger bot37363838, at 7:11 am  

  • i'd like to see milton naked. but not sexually.

    By Blogger dog, at 7:20 am  

  • I tried to find Shelley on the Web because I'm only familiar with the man - is it Byron Wordsworth?

    He's a bit smooth.

    I still like the christian-singer-out-of-Evanescence's ankles. But they probably designed her to have that effect in christian-influence-over-people-via-rock school.

    By Blogger SimonHolyHoses, at 8:01 am  

  • no, you're right - byron. i confused one republican with another. smooooooooooooooooooth.

    By Blogger dog, at 1:54 am  

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