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Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

May 11, 2006

How to Join Holyhoses

Since HolySwerve has joined this blog, a lot of you have written to ask, how does one get to join? Well, it couldn't be easier!

The application procedure is set out as follows. Please mark each sheet of your application with your unique Holyhoses application reference number, which should be included on the outside of the envelope you threw away.

Please first complete Form A - Personal Details and Monitoring. This form is not provided to the shortlisting and interview panel, but is kept for statistical purposes, and will be used to invite you to interview, should you be shortlisted.

Please also complete Form B - Disclosure of Criminal Convictions. This includes convictions not spent under the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act 1974, and the Poor Spelling act of 1983, and the Inability to Detect Irony (Internet) Act 1996. Form B will not be provided to the shortlisting and interview panel.

Complete Form C - Education and Employment, continuing on extra sheets as required. Please mark all sheets with your unique Holyhoses application reference number.

Form D - Personal Statement is optional, and may instead be replaced by a supplementary sheet including your Personal Statement, or a copy of your CV that does not include your personal details. Again, please mark all sheets with your unique Holyhoses application reference number.

There are a number of supplementary forms to complete, viz: The Disabled Monitoring Form, and the Further Details Form, on which you are asked to provide your bank account details, your passport number, your driving licence number, your credit card number(s), security code(s), and your PIN or PINs. Please also complete Form E to confirm that you have completed all the other forms.

Please then provide three full-colour copies of your application, together with six (6) passport sized photographs and do make sure you put the correct postage on the envelope.

Closing date for applications is Midsummer Day 2006. Once all the applications are in, a shortlist of seven (7) candidates will be drawn up and invited for interview. Please keep the dates from 01 July through 30 September free for interview, as alternative dates may not be available.

Following a first interview, with a panel of Three, candidates successful in passing through to the second stage will be asked to complete four Tasks, each involving one of the four elements, Fire, Earth, Wind, and Water. Having survived all four Tasks, the remaining candidates will be called for a second interview, with a panel of Nine, which will last no longer than three hours. A presentation will be required, on the subject of Extradiegesis in Modern Russian Cinema. A projector and Magic Lantern will be provided, if required.

After all that, we'll pop down The Whale for a pint and decide whether we like you or not.

(Oh, and that's... 1995.)


  • Possibly the funniest thing I've EVER read. Absolutely excellent, no, perfect! This should really be on one of those funny blogs on the internet.

    It's all true as well.

    By Blogger HolySwerve, at 12:18 pm  

  • Your process is a great example of counterscript.

    By Blogger rashbre, at 4:39 pm  

  • If it's that easy I don't think I'll bother...

    Great piece of writing, really sends up the gobble-de-gook to be found these days!

    By Blogger Numptie, at 1:44 am  

  • Also I am rapidly developing an interest in modern computers and the things you can employ them for.

    I have good people skills, and intercommunication, with excellent ambitions and ability to assimulate myself within you.

    My hobbies include computers, talking to people, and being busy.

    I work great as part of a team but also like the challenge of working not within a team. I also enjoy working late out of hours when requisite.

    My experience includes several involving dealing with people of the general public.

    By Anonymous HolyApplicationant, at 3:08 am  

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