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Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

May 18, 2005

Your Questions Answered

Thanks to the good people at The Observer Blog putting us in their rolling linklog, Hoses of the Holy has had a few more visitors lately - and we seem to be up in search engines, which is a mixed blessing. Because of the anything-goes nature of this blog, I think we cover a huge variety of subjects, which leads to some, er, interesting conjunctions.

I'm not laughing, really, I'm not, but an insight into what's buzzing out there is always fascinating. People keep arriving at the site having searched for "Kenny Chesney without a Hat" - presumably because he married that skinny actress, and presumably because someone started a rumour that he's bald.

I'd like to start the rumour that all men who are frequently pictured wearing headgear are actually bald. I'd also like to start the rumour that wearing a hat makes you go bald. We've had people searching for "Tim McGraw Without Hat", too, for the same reason, and also Garth Brooks. We know Dwight Yoakam is bald, so I expect they all are. Imagine how hilarious Alan Jackson looks without his hat, with those long golden curls... and a bald head. Possibly. Perhaps country music makes you go bald - though in my case it just makes me fat.

Another search was for "What does a Turnip look like?", which is quite possibly the most bizarre thing ever. It looks like this, since you ask.

Someone else wants to know, "Is Simon Le Bon unfaithful"? Well, I don't know. Our Simon-the-good is not the same fellow at all. Let's not be mistaken about that. Simon le Bon of Duran Duran is probably not into bumble bees and birds. Our Simon is not unfaithful.

I also don't know the answer to the question, "did didier ever get married"? Seriously now: do you people know how search engines work? By ignoring words like "did," "ever," and "get", for a start.

As to how to make a non-soggy pie base, the answer of course is to blind bake it in advance. You do this by filling it with dry kidney beans or ceramic baking beads. Do not attempt to use rice, as I once did. That's a stupid thing to do. Anyway, my sister is the one for baking tips. So mail them to me and I'll pass them on to her.

Finally, to the person searching for "harder than I thought hallmark apart love you," here's an idea. Nothing says you don't give a shit more than sending a Hallmark card. How about writing a letter, on a blank sheet of paper, telling him/her that being away from him/her is harder than you ever thought it would be and that you love him/her? As the possibly bald Tim McGraw says in the song,
I'm just a blank sheet of paper
This fool's about to write you a letter
To tell you that he's sorry
For the way he did you wrong
To ask for your forgiveness
For leavin you alone

He's been lookin down at me
It seems like forever
He takes the top on and off his pen
It's like he can't decide
What he wants to say
If he'd just tell the truth
I'd be on my way

Hope this helps. Any more questions, let me know.

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