Your questions answered

It's time for our periodic trawl through the magical search keywords that have caused people, however briefly, to visit Hoses of the Holy. Welcome one and all, I say, and if we can answer your questions about life etc., we will endeavour to do so.

1. heater smiths hillman minx - I'm afraid this one stumps me. It appears almost to be a random collection of words. My dad did once have a Hillman Minx, and it was a very bad car. I don't know if the heater even worked.


2. what time is herbie on in the mansfield odeon cinema? - That's a very good question, but I'm afraid I don't know the answer. I recommend you dial 999 and ask this one. I'm assured that the police do not mind this kind of thing.


3. simon le bon daughters -- I've said it before: our Simon-the-Good is not the one you're thinking of. Lord knows why ours chose that moniker, but we seem to be stuck with it.


4. hattie carrol - a song by Bob Dylan. You do not specify if you want lyrics, or chords/tab, or just that interesting article from the Guardian a while back


5. array - hooray!


6. cubase record a virtual instrument - Tricky one. If you're used to Pro Tools, the way Cubase does things seems clunky and bizarre. Basically, you have to bounce an audio file and then import it into your session from the Pool - I believe Cubase now offers you the option to import the file straight into your track. If you have a multi-output instrument, I'm afraid there's no other way than to solo two outputs at a time and do it that way. The good news is that it happens faster than real time, unlike in Pro Tools.


7. tonelab patch - do let me know if you find one that stops it from picking up Radio Canada


8. rode nt1a negative reviews - You won't find many of those in the world. It's a bit thin-sounding and quiet for my personal taste, but it's a fabulously popular microphone - one of our top sellers. Very few come back faulty.


9. suit and string vest and headband - I believe the answer you're looking for is "Rab C. Nesbitt."


10. shelley wordsworth cbeebies ... and
    storymakers actress shelley - Let's take these two together, shall we? Yes, she's lovely, but there is only one photo of her - so far - on the internet, which is her publicity photo. You'll find it over at the web site for the musical 125th Street, in which she's appearing. Her name is Lauretta Nkwocha. You may be interested to learn that she's been spotted by me in some advert, only I can't remember what it's for. Some lotion, I think, and she shakes her booty in it. A bit.


11. lazy bastard postmen - Indeed.


12. cracked groove agent vst - you won't find none of that going on around here. We're all equipped with NFRs of everything.


13. here is an unrecorded song - is how Bob Dylan introduced a song, I can't remember which, on his Live at Budokan album. His actual words were, "Here is an unrecorded song... see if you can guess which one it is." I think it was something from Street Legal, so it may have been the song "Is Your Love in Vain?"


14. judy tzuke stay with me till dawn audio sample - Again with the no, though that is Si's department.


15. simon le bon and wife - see above


16. make your own balloons - try Hamleys in Regent Street.


17. sarah beany pregnant - is she? She'll be needing a breast reduction then, I should think.

That is all. No perverts today. Except maybe the Sarah Beany one. And the Lauretta Nkwocha one. And the Simon le Bon daughters one...*sigh*