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Hoses of the Holy in the Parallel Universe

May 31, 2005

Slow day in history...

I like the BBC news website and I especially like the 'On this Day' section.

May 31st has seen some historic events but friend of George Michael and all-round media attention deficit disorder sufferer Geri Halliwell leaving the Spice Girls sitting amongst Cambodian bombings, Arthur Miller's guilty verdict, English football teams being banned from Europe and a vietnam buddhist burning to death can only be explained as the theme for a new sculpture by Jake and Dinos Chapman.

I can even see their model version of the betitted, former union jack dress wearing, talent free vacuum urging the 17 year old buddhist girl who burned to death in 1966 to get in touch with her 'Girl Power!' if she wanted to make a difference.

May 26, 2005

Garth to Marry Trisha

There's always been something going on between them. Note: BBC story features picture of Garth Brooks Without A Hat - from behind! Thinning - and grey.

Rubbish!

vendee_2
vendee_2,
originally uploaded by mcmrbt.
M'lud, I refer the Court to the 5-day forecast of just 4 days ago. Now it seems the 32° of sunshine predicted has been revised to a mere 22°.

Bloody charlatan weather forecasters! How much did the Met office spend on their shiny new supercomputer? How much of my money? The jokers over at meteo.fr even dare to charge for forecasts more than 24 hours ahead! Charge! Money! For total bollocks!

I'm going to set up my own weather forecasting service based on seaweed, clouds shaped like animals and common sense - not necessarily all at once.

Buckets and spades now unpacked. Kagouls and welly boots packed.

Is this a record?

The-most-unwatched-6-minutes-of-football-that-everybody-will-be-talking-about ever?

======

In other news, even though I didn't put 500 notes on 'pool to win at Xmas (at 80-1), I did win £1.50 on the office Grand Prix sweepstakes at the weekend.

And I've won £20 on the Thunderball in the past two weeks, as well.

B3TA PHALLIC LOGO AWARDS

Everybody should look at this and laugh for 18 minutes.

My favourite is the Wakefield City Council. Just because I'd love to have been a fly on the wall of the PR/Marketing dept when it was pointed out to them. Is there a secret cock in your company logo?

May 25, 2005

Please pay attention at the back

Here's a minor annoyance, something that always bugs me. You often read sentences like this in software tutotials. This one comes from the latest edition of Digizine, which is about all things Pro Tools.
Next, return the gain and threshold controls to their default settings by Alt-clicking (Win) or Option-clicking (Mac) on them, and try increasing the compression ratio.

I've got a fairly old Mac keyboard in front of me now, and it says "alt" not "option" - and has done on ever Mac I've owned for the past 5 years.

I'd go as far as to say that any Mac capable of running Pro Tools is using a modern, USB keyboard with an "alt" key. My 3 designers have more recent G5 machines and all say "alt" on them. I think every Mac I've owned since 1998 has probably said "alt".

In other words, I think it's misleading and confusing to even mention the ancient notion of Option-clicking! I wish these people would wake up.

Kenny Chesney Without Hat

artists_impression
artists_impression,
originally uploaded by mcmrbt.
Since so many visitors are arriving at Hoses of the Holy searching for pictures of a hatless Kenny Chesney, I am obliging with an artist's impression of what he might look like without a hat. If he was, you know, bald. Which I'm sure he's not.

Super Super-U, Where Are You?

super_u
super_u,
originally uploaded by mcmrbt.
The picture shows locations of Super-U in part of the Vendee. The circled one is in Bretignolles-sur-mer - and there are Huper-U stores in St Gilles and St Hilaire. Further inland, a Marché-U in Coex - but be aware that smaller stores like this will be closed from 12.30 to 2.30 in the afternoon, which is usually the time you want to go.

===================
With the weather picking up in the Vendee I'm now officially excited about our trip. It's showing 24°C and unbroken sunshine for tomorrow. Which is Super, and makes me think of one of the other pleasures of France, the supermarkets.

I used to think you could somehow find a correlation between French supermarkets and British ones, but it makes my brain hurt to try. It's hard to find an equivalent to Waitrose, for example. Waitrose type shoppers in France tend to forego the supermarket altogether, and buy their fresh produce from a proper market.

And there are regional variations. In the urban areas of the East, where my in-laws live, Super-U tends to be a kind of grubby pop-in supermarket, generally of smaller size and less well stocked than the bigger Cora and Auchan. But on the West coast, in every other seaside town, you'll find the only supermarket in town will be a Super-U, and they're much better (apart from their complete inability to stock pasteurised milk)*. Oddly, you can get completely "raw" milk - straight from the udder place, but not your traditional pinta.

Super-U, Hyper-U, all part of the holiday experience, and I can't wait to get there to buy turkey kebabs for the barbecue, maybe a capon, Petit Louis soft cheese for the kids, and raspberry ice tea etc. Another holiday taste is Bückler, an alcohol-free beer brewed by the Heineken/Stella people but not imported to the UK. It's got a great flavour, doesn't give you a headache, and is perfect if, like me, you love the taste but will probably have to drive - or just can't cope with hangovers any more.

Back in the East, we tend to go to Cora or Auchan - though I still haven't really forgiven Cora for the time we were stuck in their car park for 45 minutes on an Alsatian bank holiday. A fatal combination of a public holiday in one part of France causing a lot of rigidly Germanic people to (a) cross the "border" to go shopping on their day off and (b) all try to leave the supermarket at the same time because it was 5 pm and they all intended to get home for their evening meal, which they always, always eat at the same time of day, no matter what the circumstances; oh, and (c) to be complete bastards about organising themselves to get out of the car park. But the joke was on them, because we were just inconvenienced whereas they had to eat late.

10 years or so ago, when my Mrs first took me back to her home village, the first supermarket I visited was E Leclerc but it's not one we go to much these days. After a while you realise that, of all the supermarket visits you make, it's in E Leclerc that you encounter the smelliest people. A certain class of French men don't think it's macho to wash regularly, and France is the only place I've seen deodorant boasting that it will last 48+ hours. If they do wash, they'll put a smelly shirt back on afterwards. These people all shop in Leclerc.

One we haven't mentioned is Casino. Just as Super-U have their larger Hyper-U and smaller Marche-U, Casino cover everything, from your village shop (as in Plancher-Bas) to a Géant. They also own Spar and Monoprix, which is a kind of shitty department store you'll find in town centres.

The French supermarket, er, market goes deeper and further. There's Champion, and Intermarche, which many people will be familiar with. You find these stores, like Super-U, in smaller towns and on the edge of rural villages. I think the Coccinelle stores have mostly been replaced by Colrit, which is a Lidl like el cheapo place, with odd checkout procedures.

While I like to visit Cora and Auchan for the sheer size and scope of what they do (everything you might find in a big Asda or Tesco Extra, and more - a fuller range of CDs, DVDs, and books, computers, digital cameras etc. I think I've even seen food in there), it's Super-U that lives closest to my heart, because Super-U means holidays, beaches, Bückler, and sunshine.

*Here's a clue, French people: Pasteur was French, you dolts. You don't even have your usual nationalistic excuse for drinking that UHT pap.

May 24, 2005

scabs

i would be interested to see which bbc employees crossed the picket lines yesterday. i believe terry wogan is one, but don't sue me if not. i want to know who they are, so i can mutter "scab" under my breath whenever they are on telly.

reminds me of my recently departed grandmother, who could be depended on to badmouth leslie 'dirty den' grantham when he appeared on the screen, on account of he killed a german taxi driver when he was a young lad in the army and should not be allowed a career in tv.

"Well Played."

shelby
shelby,
originally uploaded by mcmrbt.
"This is easy, this is gravy, I feel like a little baby, this feels like a natural fade, I won't die alone."


As I write, I'm listening to Suit Yourself by Shelby Lynne (at last). Having subscribed to her email newsletter I was of course bound to fall victim to a careful programme of marketing hype, and over the couple of months I've been looking forward to this new record I've grown more convinced than ever I was that Ms Lynne is the Real Thing.

But what do we mean when we talk about the Real Thing? I remember having a discussion with Roy over 10 years ago about the concept/construct of authenticity. I said then that I didn't really believe in authenticity in that existential sense, that instead I tended to believe that things were somehow always-already received and processed.

Dr Dave, of our lecturers at University, talked about this sort of thing in connection with early encounters with Native Americans. Somehow, didn't matter how early it was, but the "discoverers" of the New World always seemed to find a native who could already speak Spanish or English. In other words, and to generalise wildly from an apocryphal tale, one man's authenticity is another's construct.

Keith Richards has said that there's no such thing as a recording of an acoustic guitar. Because a microphone is a kind of pick-up, so as soon as you stick one in front of an acoustic, it's an electric. Anyone who has struggled with the problem of recording an acoustic guitar successfully will know what he means. You can make a "nice" recording of an acoustic guitar, but you can never make it sound the way it does in a room as you are playing it.

When we receive music, then, it is always-already produced and processed, even when it is made to sound "live" and spontaneous. One of the reasons I loved Springsteen bootlegs was the feeling that hearing an entire concert, warts and all, was a more authentic experience of the man's music. But don't kid yourself that there aren't people intervening all the way down the production chain.

Suit Yourself starts with some studio chatter. This is not entirely a new idea. What song is it starts, "Okay, here we go..."? Dylan says, "Is it rolling, Bob?" at the beginning of Nashville Skyline and Lennon shouts, "I've got blisters on my fingers!" at the end of Helter Skelter. But though those moments are put there, a conscious decision made to include them, they do add to the life of the music, make it seem more authentic.

What's the opposite of authentic? Well, we all know: pop idol type things, Children Who Audition doing karaoke versions of hits of the past. I was listening to some Shelby in the car last night, and I was thinking, some of this is the kind of music they do on Pop Idol; but the crucial difference here is that, even if someone did do one of these songs, the viewing public wouldn't have heard it all before.

Because with overexposure even the best music becomes inauthentic, doesn't it? That's why I hate those radio formats that drive "Classic Tracks" into your brain. Reducing a musical era to the half-dozen songs that everybody knows. That's why your Dawson's Creek/OC/Party of Five type TV programmes grate on the nerves after a while: wall-to-wall product placement of the kind of music people who like that kind of show are supposed to like.

There's a chance you might hear a Shelby Lynne track on a programme like that, I admit the possibility. As Nick Hornby wrote in 37 songs, the problem now is that the people who grew up in the same era as I did, and later, are now producing adverts and television shows. And they put the music in that they like, obviously. For some reason, they are unable to detect that they are destroying any pleasure you might take in that music by glomming it into a glorified soap opera. It becomes as cheesy as the music played at Jason and Kylie's wedding, all those years ago.

So what am I saying? Ms Lynne isn't exactly obscure - I know in the States she's been on the Tonight show, and she's won a Grammy. Ironically, she won a Grammy for "Best New Artist" for her 2000 record, as if it was a debut, and as if she hadn't been recording for Epic in Nashville for fucking years before that. She even, ironically, won an Horizon awards at the CMAs about 7 years before she won her "Best New Artist" Grammy.

She's a dues paid musician who has circulated around the music business, who has recorded Country, pop, rock, soul type music, and who continues to work in a climate that legislates against that sort of thing. I read somewhere recently that some record execs had been overheard talking about how "disappointing" sales of Sheryl Crow's last record were - because it only sold a couple of million copies. As that other musical maverick, Steve Earle, has said, two million records is a lot. And you can make a good living selling 50,000 or so, and playing live.

I don't know how many copies of "Suit Yourself" will sell. I've bought two myself (!). But it does seems amazing, in an industry that sucks the life out of talent and spits it out after a couple of records, that Shelby Lynne exists. You hear the studio chatter on Suit Yourself because she produced it, and she wanted people to know she'd produced it - first at her home studio and then at her bass player's home studio.

You know she's doing her own thing, because the music doesn't fit a radio format. It's certainly not country, and it's too spiky and personal to be pop; it's traditional "rock", as invented by Dylan and the Beatles, but the only radio formats who play that sort of thing in the States are the sort that only play the likes of Dylan and the Beatles. It's got a lot of soul, but it's not Soul music. It's kind of folky and down-home at times, but doesn't really fit a mould.

On "I Cry Every Day", about halfway through the song, you hear some studio chatter again, this time, talking about the backing vocals: "Yeah, something like that," you hear her say. It's brilliant to hear that kind of thing, so why don't you hear it more often? The answer to that is a long one, but the short version of it is that the engineers and producers who run the music industry really do suck the life out of everything.

Take the obsession with noise, for example. Your out-of-the-mould engineer type will go to great lengths to eliminate noise. The instinctive creative type, however, knows that eliminating all the noise is (a) impossible and (b) undesirable, because taking away the noise destroys the original. It's always-already there, the noise, as Michel Serres said, the rat in the foundations.

To summarise, there's no such thing as existential authenticity, because some kind of mediation is always-already there; on the other hand, if you make no attempt to eliminate the actual process of mediation, you can provide as much authenticity as it is possible to have in recorded music. She leaves the sound of the crickets outside the window. You hear her arriving at the final arrangement, concluding, "This is easy, this is gravy..." at the end of a song she wrote in half an hour.

Suit Yourself is laid back to horizontal, sounds fantastic, and simply packed with superb songs. She's a great singer with good taste, and a very musical sensibility. The bonus track on iTunes, by the way, is "A Rainy Night in Georgia," which you only get if you buy the whole album. It's acoustic, clean, very laid back, and after the excellent acoustic guitar solo near the end, you hear a male voice say, "Well played."





May 23, 2005

vendee BBC 5-day forecast

vendee
vendee,
originally uploaded by mcmrbt.
Have to say, I like the BBC's optimism for the 5 day forecast. We can expect it a degree or two cooler in Bretignolles (a bit North of La Rochelle). But I can live with 30 degrees or so. Buckets and spades already packed.

It's a trap!

Housing is much in the air. Be good if it actually was. Floating houses will surely come when we have anti-gravity.

There's a couple of reasons I think things like shared ownership schemes don't work. As a caller to Five Live mentioned last night, the banks have it all their own way with shared ownership. First of all, they demand a higher-than-usual deposit from the punter.

So the punter scrapes begs borrows a deposit and borrows enough from a bank to buy 50% of a house. The bank is happy, having covered any economic downturn with your deposit, they can evict said punter and sell the house again to get their money back.

Meanwhile, the punter pays the mortgage on the 50% of the house and pays rent on the other 50%. In other words, it's not about a smaller monthly payment, oh no. In fact, if you add together the rent and the mortgage, what's the point? You're still on a low income and you still can't save any money.

What's the point? The point is that in owning the 50% of the house, you stand a chance of making a bit of capital to use as a deposit on your next house purchase.

So the scheme only works if the market value of the house increases substantially. In other words, the punter hopes to make 10 grand on their 50% and then buy a whole house, which means that the next punter on a low income can't even afford the original 50%, let alone the 50% plus the rent on the other half, which will no doubt increase too.

The sickness in this country is that people need a roof over their heads, shelter from the storm, warmth in winter, a place to rest, cook, eat, sleep. Everybody needs that, but they forget the utility and insist on viewing a house as an investment, a get rich quick scheme.

I think this government (and the one before it) pays far too much attention to getting people onto the so-called property ladder. Our towns are full of shitty little one- and two-bedroom so-called "starter" homes, which are ugly and cramped, not fit for one person to live in, let alone two or more.

So unfit are they for habitation that people can't wait to get out of them, and the market plays along with this by artificially inflating the price, so they can grab a profit and move on - except all of this is play money - not real money. All houses increase in price, and you still cripple yourself with debt in order to proceed.

My opinion, people should get used to the idea that they won't be getting a mortgage till their mid-30s. Until then, live with mum and dad or rent, yeah rent, and try to save. Believe it or not, our nation is more or less unique in Europe for this ridiculous Starter Home mentality. Knock down those shitting 1-bedroom insults, those crappy 2-bed places, and increase the rental stock. Council houses, remember those?

Trust Shelby



Because I've been waiting for the new Shelby, I've been listening to some of her older stuff.

I know I said I didn't like it all that much. Really, what I should have said, I didn't like her last album all that much, although I admired the spirit in which it was recorded. Going back to her two albums before that, they're both excellent.

How excellent they are, you realise when you try to do Roy a "best of Shelby up till now" compo, and you find yourself wanting to include just about everything from the albums I am Shelby Lynne and Love, Shelby.

2001, she released Love, Shelby which has got a real commercial sheen, unlike her last two (including Suit Yourself, released tomorrow), and I was disappointed in it when it first came out. Which is great, because getting it out now, it's so refreshing. Probably Lari White's Green Eyed Soul from last year prepared me for it better.

If you've owned it for 4 years like me and played it only once or twice since then, you get this frisson from the opening track ("Trust Me," written by Shelby Lynne and Glen Ballard) as it comes on in the car: who's this?. You hear the solo piano, and then the voice, with a long delay: "Faith - Trust..." and you know you're listening to some slick commercial pop. But it's just so damn good, you forget about it being commercial and just enjoy it for itself: a great song, performed brilliantly, with the highest quality production values (the fashionably dry vocal, the fashionably processed drums etc).

Even so, a couple of tracks later comes a song you just wouldn't expect on such a commercial-sounding record: "Jesus on a Greyhound" (same writers), so you do have to keep adjusting your brain.

Anyway, here are the 18 tracks for the ultimate Shelby compo up till today:

Trust Me - Love, Shelby
Bend - Love, Shelby
Gotta Get Back - I Am Shelby Lynne
Your Lies - I Am Shelby Lynne
Telephone - Identity Crisis
Leavin' - I Am Shelby Lynne
Thought It Would Be Easier - I Am Shelby Lynne
Wall In Your Heart - Love, Shelby
Jesus On A Greyhound - Love, Shelby
If I Were Smart - Identity Crisis
Why Can't You Be? - I Am Shelby Lynne
Lookin' Up - I Am Shelby Lynne
Dream Some - I Am Shelby Lynne
Gonna Be Better - Identity Crisis
Buttons And Beaus - Identity Crisis
I Can't Wait - Love, Shelby
Killin' Kind - Love, Shelby
All Of A Sudden You Disappeared - Love, Shelby

May 20, 2005

Yanks for the memories

I've been discussing the Great Manchester United Robbery with Eric over at Diderot's Diary and something he said made me think about British attitudes to ownership and entrepreneurs.

There's always been a paradox in this country, with a strong contingent of forelock tuggers who think that share ownership, entrepreneurism and business are "not for the likes of us" (like the person who claimed that the "ordinary working class" people who watch Manchester United could never have bought enough shares between them to protect their club from the sharks); by the same token, we show very little respect for successful businessmen and women in this country - past a certain point.

Clive Sinclair, for example, who could have been a Jobs or a Gates, is really just a figure of fun in the UK, based on his ill-fated C5. Even though Steve Jobs claimed that cities would be designed around the Segway, people are still willing to take him seriously - yet nobody paid a blind bit of attention to Sinclair after the C5. Richard Branson, too, there's another one. Everybody hates him, don't they? And you just think of him falling out of balloons, when you think of him.

And everybody hated Robert Maxwell, even before it was discovered that he'd robbed the Mirror group pension fund blind.

One of our problems has always been that, once in a position of influence, wealth, or power, most people can't wait to stick it to everybody else. Management of British Companies is always conducted in a "them and us" atmosphere, which is why there were always so many stupid industrial disputes about whether windows should be open or closed, or whether it's acceptable to wear shorts.

I remember one manager at my first job who criticised me for not wearing a collar and tie. "When I was starting out," he said, "You might - might, if it was a very hot day, be allowed to open a window and hang your jacket on the back of your chair." When my next girlfriend encouraged me to wear a certain kind of shirt and tie, he called me back in his office to tell me that he didn't like my collars (buttoned down, it was the 80s) and he didn't like my ties (er... it was the 80s).

Another manager called me in to say that he'd seen me searching through files with one hand, that it looked too casual, that I should use two hands, in order to look busier. He was personally embarrassed, he said, to have employed me, when other managers were making remarks about my casual attitudes and appearance.

I like to think I was ahead of my time.

My point is that this is the kind of conversation that traditionally takes place in the British workplace. Not, "How can we make this better or do this better?" But, how can we manipulate the appearance of things to it looks like everything is going really well? No matter what your talents or abilities, if your face didn't fit, you were consigned to the mental trash can, while management went about the national business of mediocrity.

That's what the Thatcher era was all about: appearances. They gave the appearance of a strong economy by selling stuff off and using the money raised to plug the gaps. Never mind that for every 100 people living here, only 4 were engaged in actually producing something (probably 2 or 3/100 by now). As long as you could drive a flash German car and sport a flash Japanese mobile phone, wear a flash Italian suit, everything is righerrtt with the world.

But it's hard to get really worked up about anything when you know that, in the end, when the oil runs out, it's going to be horses and carts and growing your own vegetables. About that time, I will be living off blackberries from the brambles at the side of our house.

Eur-no

Looks like the French are 50/50 yes/no over the UE constitution. This article from The Guardian talks about pro-EU ministers blaming Chirac for the lacklustre and confused Yes campaign.

The problem here is that the French aren't really saying No to the constitution. They're saying, er, no to the Euro. The same Euro they said, er, yes to a few years ago.

But now they've been living with it for a while and they still hate it.

They still mentally translate prices into Francs and know that everything is more expensive now. Their economy is in the basket, and people are losing jobs all over. And they blame the Euro.

When you do that quintessentially French thing and sit at a corner cafe for a cup of coffee and know that every time you do that you're being ripped off, you start to have negative thoughts.

I'm sorry kiddies

But Star Wars is to Science Fiction what Rentaghost was to Horror; or what George and Mildred was to Romantic Comedy.

It's being so cheerful...

Dear Dogface,

Win a Mac Mini worth £340

As a registered user to the MacUser website, we would be delighted if you could spare 10 minutes of your time to complete an online survey.

MacUser exists because you read it. So to make sure you keep reading the magazine, we want to know what you think about MacUser, the Mac industry and the types of Mac hardware and software you use...

You know, using hilarious log-in names for web sites never gets old.

In my professional capacity yesterday, I was called upon to test a couple of computer displays. It's something I do occasionally. Over the past several years, most of them have been of the flat screen variety. In spite of their inability to match the colour space of a CRT display*, everybody wants a TFT these days, and manufacturers like Sony (first) and NEC-Mitsubishi have even stopped making CRTs.

So I've tested a variety of TFTs, just as I've tested a variety of different digital cameras etc. I've seen it all, from a blurred screen that makes you think you're going blind, to a crisp, bright, sharp display that made the whole world seem brighter and better.

A while ago, for example, I tested one of the phenomenally expensive Eizo displays. Fantastic quality, better than the Apple displays for example, though considerably more expensive. Considerably more expensive, indeed, yet with an enclosure having the build quality of a £1.99 bookshelf. I said to the rep - fantastic display, but in this market (Mac design, publishing, video etc), people expect it to look expensive, too.

So yesterday, I got a couple of displays from a manufacturer better known for other things. Let's call them X***x to spare their blushes. Presumably, some Korean manufacturer offered them the chance to put their brand name on a generic display. They looked quite trendy, anyway, with one of those mirror-like glass fronts. I don't know how much they cost. Probably considerably cheaper than Eizo and Apple, though looking like they cost more.

Booted up the 19" - shocking. Only word to describe the piss-poor colour. Everything looked blue. Spent some time with the Apple calibration tool, something I've done many many times, and couldn't get a good result. A grey scale image displayed with all the colours of the rainbow showing up as artifacts. Couldn't live with it. It was bright and fairly sharp (except with anti-aliased text which looked awful because of the colour interference) and would probably fool a Windows user into buying it.

What I mean by that is, if you had Windows XP on it in a PC World showroom, it might look bright and sharp enough to make someone think, "Wow!" and part with their cash. But for anybody dealing with graphics and photography, any attempt to make colour look remotely accurate is doomed to failure.

X***x later claimed they had messed around with the settings on that one, to which my reply was: if you want a dealer to test a display with a view to stocking it, don't fucking mess with the settings before you send it out. I actually dispute whether they really had, as I'd used the on-screen controls as well as the Mac calibration software.

As for the 17" one they sent, which they asked us to try to see if the colour was better: there was no power supply for it in the box. So a double gong for X***x. Thanks for trying.

===

*It's one of the great ironies of the Mac graphics market that the best display for colour accuracy was the good old Shadow Mask technology. You could get blacker blacks on Trinitron and Diamondtron displays, but Shadow Mask displays were much better for colour. Barco still made very expensive Shadow Mask displays until relatively recently. But people liked the flatness of Trini/Diamondtron, in spite of the black line you got across the display (part of the built-in technology) and in spite of the fact that the flatness often gave the optical illusion of being curved outwards. Even less accurate for colour than the 'trons is the TFT LCD display - which is what everyone uses nowadays. This is an Important Lesson: you can bleat about colour accuracy all you like, but people will still buy something less good as long as it looks better and is more expensive.

May 19, 2005

Well, how do you use the web?

The usual crew of argument pickers and nay-sayers over on The Register's letter page, poo-pooing the idea that Google's much-discussed web accelerator will mean they end up owning the innernet.

People are claiming they use the internet for certain special purposes which have nothing to do with cached web pages, and more to do with chat, gaming, and home networking.

Well, I guess. Last night Roy and I attempted an iChat, you know, audio chat. A telephone conversation without a telephone basically. Frankly, it was complete bollocks. The night before, he could hear me but I couldn't hear him. Last night, I could hear him but he (mostly) couldn't hear me. We tried taking turns talking ("Over") and we typed-and-talked (ironically, he could hear me best when I was typing the words as I spoke them, like an audio description of a subtitle).

All in all, a total time-waster. Not saying it wasn't a little bit fun, or fascinating, but it struck me as one of those things where the novelty will soon wear off, and you'll go back to emailing.

But how do you use the web? Email, for example? I try to stay in touch with people via email, but it's about as much use as it used to be trying stay in touch with pen and paper - a method I'd still prefer. So email is mostly a business thing for me; I rarely get emails, except from trekkies writing to correct me on a fact or three. I've ended up with way too many email addresses, too, and my address book, as usual, is scattered across several accounts and machines. Sure, you could aggregate them all together, but since people don't actually give a shit about staying in touch, why should I bother?

Shopping I do a lot of. Too much. Buy too many books and CDs; buy shoes; once bought a car; shampoo, supplements, a teapot. I'd buy anything over the innernet, I would. And you'd be doing me a flavour if you took it all away, thanks. Cheers.

Chat I'm not bothered with, because I'm not a teenage girl and I don't really need to discuss the latest episode of Star Trek with my geeky friends. Games I've got no time at all for. I'll play Tetris if you hold a gun to my head, but not a multi-player Tetris over a network.

Listening to the radio? Well, I've got a radio in my car, one in my kitchen, one in the bedroom, and one in the bathroom. Where else do I need one? At work? Having the radio on at work makes me want to kill myself, and anyway, people always complain.

TV? I watch it in the living room at home. I don't want or need one anywhere else. There's not so much on TV that I feel like I need to be able to have it on the 'puter, thanks. There are enough celebs and luvvies and media whores coming at me as it is, so I don't need any more of that. Anyway, time-shifting with the hard disk recorder attached to the TV will suffice.

I grow old, I grow old. What do I use the internet for? Blogging, which is the same as writing, which is something I've always done, ever since I was a nipper. And Flickr, for photos; again, something I've always done.

I use my computer for loads of stuff, but whole evenings will go by without me needing to connect to the innernet. It's a useful information source for work, as it was when I was studying.

Do I care if Google, or whoever, takes it over? Not really. If there turn out to be too many ads, I'll go and do something else.

May 18, 2005

Your Questions Answered

Thanks to the good people at The Observer Blog putting us in their rolling linklog, Hoses of the Holy has had a few more visitors lately - and we seem to be up in search engines, which is a mixed blessing. Because of the anything-goes nature of this blog, I think we cover a huge variety of subjects, which leads to some, er, interesting conjunctions.

I'm not laughing, really, I'm not, but an insight into what's buzzing out there is always fascinating. People keep arriving at the site having searched for "Kenny Chesney without a Hat" - presumably because he married that skinny actress, and presumably because someone started a rumour that he's bald.

I'd like to start the rumour that all men who are frequently pictured wearing headgear are actually bald. I'd also like to start the rumour that wearing a hat makes you go bald. We've had people searching for "Tim McGraw Without Hat", too, for the same reason, and also Garth Brooks. We know Dwight Yoakam is bald, so I expect they all are. Imagine how hilarious Alan Jackson looks without his hat, with those long golden curls... and a bald head. Possibly. Perhaps country music makes you go bald - though in my case it just makes me fat.

Another search was for "What does a Turnip look like?", which is quite possibly the most bizarre thing ever. It looks like this, since you ask.

Someone else wants to know, "Is Simon Le Bon unfaithful"? Well, I don't know. Our Simon-the-good is not the same fellow at all. Let's not be mistaken about that. Simon le Bon of Duran Duran is probably not into bumble bees and birds. Our Simon is not unfaithful.

I also don't know the answer to the question, "did didier ever get married"? Seriously now: do you people know how search engines work? By ignoring words like "did," "ever," and "get", for a start.

As to how to make a non-soggy pie base, the answer of course is to blind bake it in advance. You do this by filling it with dry kidney beans or ceramic baking beads. Do not attempt to use rice, as I once did. That's a stupid thing to do. Anyway, my sister is the one for baking tips. So mail them to me and I'll pass them on to her.

Finally, to the person searching for "harder than I thought hallmark apart love you," here's an idea. Nothing says you don't give a shit more than sending a Hallmark card. How about writing a letter, on a blank sheet of paper, telling him/her that being away from him/her is harder than you ever thought it would be and that you love him/her? As the possibly bald Tim McGraw says in the song,
I'm just a blank sheet of paper
This fool's about to write you a letter
To tell you that he's sorry
For the way he did you wrong
To ask for your forgiveness
For leavin you alone

He's been lookin down at me
It seems like forever
He takes the top on and off his pen
It's like he can't decide
What he wants to say
If he'd just tell the truth
I'd be on my way

Hope this helps. Any more questions, let me know.

Heh

I just sold my copy of the book about Apple T-Shirts, which has been sitting on my shelf for several years. Bought it for 39 dorrar a few years back (including a free Apple t-shirt), just sold it for 39 quids. Could have charged more, obviously, because it was less than 2 hours between listing and sale - Amazon clearly had a buyer waiting in the wings. More than one, perhaps, because it said the average price they were willing to pay was 49 quids.

Still, my first rule of selling things is that you're better of selling it than not selling it. I've put my Telecaster on eBay, and with less than 24 hours to go there are no bids on it, which means that 300 squid was probably too high. I should have at least remembered the second rule of selling things, which is that people really are fooled by prices that end in 9 or 5. 279 was probably the way to go, so maybe I'll try it again at some point.

It's amazing what people will pay for things related. Over at Red Light Runner they sell all kinds of things. An original iMac t-shirt, par example, 35 dorrar. I had one of those. Original iBook t-shirt -13 dorrar. Bargain! I had one of those, too. Unfortunately, I was stupid enough to actually wear them. In fact, I could prolly net 100+ dorrar just on the Apple t-shirts I've had over the past few years. My now-broken Apple mug, I don't know, but one of the three Apple watches I've still got somewhere: 70 dorrar.

Original Bondi iMac poster (there was one in the office at one time): 100 dorrar; 1984-2004 poster (hanging somewhere in the office): 50 dorrar; the Frank Sinatra "Think Different" poster: 180 dorrar; Ghandi: 180; Hitchcock: 250; Maria Callas: 250. All of which hanging around the office. You can even get 3 dorrar for one of those white Apple logo stickers you get with Apple products. Guard them with your life!

I've got a cheap 'n' nasty Apple key ring somewhere in the house: 60 dorrar. Apple logo lapel pins, of which I have two: between 20 and 25 dorrar.

When I first came to work here, they had in reception one of the original "picasso" mac display lights. I wonder who swiped it when they refurbished the reception area? Not me, unfortunately, 1300 dorrar to you, sir. Buyer collects.

I think I may have to dig out some of these Apple things and flog the hell out of them on eBay.

big bee

there was a big bee in our kitchen yesterday. it was like a yellow and black stripey tennis ball - i'm not exaggerating.

this shitty cold weather has taken all the fun out of fly-swatting. they woke up a few weeks ago but can't get any speed up in the dense, cold air (i think that's the reason) so they're sitting duck-flies. still, people won't think of that when they admire my stats in future generations.

May 17, 2005

The Beiderbecke Thing

I used to have a thing for Barbara Flynn, in particular because she came across as so witty and smart in The Beiderbecke Affair and it's less successful spin-offs.

They've been showing it on ITV3, The Beiderbecke Affair. The original series finished last week, but the The Beiderbecke Tapes starts on Thursday. The nice thing is I don't think I watched the third one, The Beiderbecke Connection, so that'll be nice for me, won't it?

Written by Alan Plater, and set against a backdrop of the warm and cuddly mythical North in Thatcher's Britain, The Beiderbecke Affair had a charm all its own, and could lull you into thinking there were still decent people in the world. Corrupt policemen and councillors got theirs, and even though Jill Swinburn only received 54 votes at the election, she still demanded a recount. And it had James Bolam in it, so you watched it because you knew it would be good. These days, they think you'll watch something because it has someone who used to be in EastEnders in it.

There were some great lines in the final episode. The graduate policeman who turned out to be "all right really" arranged to meet Trevor and Jill on the 4th floor of the multi-story car park. "That information you gave me has turned into a very high level investigation."
"If it's such a high level, shouldn't we meet on the fifth floor?" she said.
"Or the sixth?" added Trevor.

I was reading Mark Lawson (log-in required, I think) on the 50th anniversary of ITV in the Guardian yesterday, and he said in the article how ITV had confounded its critics by broadcasting some of the best dramas - something it's easy to forget when you see the current schedule with Celebrity Media Whore Island or whatever it is called.

Watching The Beiderbecke Thing felt luxurious. It took several weeks to tell a very gentle story, with interesting characters and witty lines. In today's Hallmark Universe, they cannot bear to broadcast anything like it. Dramas take place on consecutive nights and tv executives fear the short attention span. Although the Inspector Morses now seem sedate and quaint, they were pretty damn good at the time.

The thing about The Beiderbecke Affaird, that it was on ITV, was that the advert breaks seem to have been written into the script. It was like a curtain opening and closing, not like someone just got interrupted in the middle of a sentence. When I watched Star Trek in me youth, my mum would call out, "Advert," when the screen went black between scenes. With the Beiderbecke Affair, you never resented the advertising, because each scene came to a gentle close.

One of the nicest things about it was the way each episode was titled after the first line spoken: "We are at the brink of a new era, if only..." It was all very well done indeed, not that they need me to tell them that. But why can't modern day execs look at it and think, "Yeah, that's when we used to do things properly. Let's do it properly again."? Why is that? Why is everything so crappy now? You'll say commercial pressures, but I just told you, I even enjoyed the fact it had advert breaks, didn't resent it - whereas modern commercial breaks just make me resentful and angry.

Celebrity Ratings #1

Roy's discussion of my ratings scale (see The Scale for details) the other day popped into my head at the traffic lights recently, when I saw a huge poster of Trinny and Susannah. So as part of an occasional series, I thought I'd dish out some celebrity ratings. Look away now if you plan to be offended by this. Frankly, these people shove themselves into the limelight, attention seekers the lot of them. So here is some attention.

By default, of course, most celebrities are going to be 1 or 0 on the scale. Almost every celebrity of any gender requires a sock in the mouth, and many also require a paper bag on the head (I've added in brackets the prop required by the celebrity to achieve their score).

  • Trinny - the skinny, flat-chested one, always more attractive to me. She gets a 1 (sock).

  • Susannah - not actually fat, but next to the skinny one can be mistakenly identified as fat. 0.

  • Kirstie - the property programme woman. I was going to say 0, but then there are some quite foccy pictures of her in this weeks Radio Times. So, go on then: 1 (sock)

  • Billie - far too young to warrant anything over 0

  • Kylie - this lantern-jawed small person is a 1 (paper bag)

  • Shelley Wordsworth from Storymakers on CBeebies - this radiant beauty scores a 2.

  • Maura Tierney - Maura is a 5, if ever I saw one - hope I never meet her, because it would ruin my life

  • Jolene Blalock from Enterprise is a 1 (paper bag), but a 2 if she keeps her Vulcan ears and wig on

That is all.

May 16, 2005

Dear Suzie,

Have we met? I think not, and yet I feel I know you intimately. When your email landed in my inbox today with its subject header of Auf Striefe durch den Berliner Wedding, I felt I knew you very well: the kind of person you are, the kind of thing you like to do.

And Suzie: such a sweet name; probably sexier for its use of the letter z, and a more exciting name than Cecilia, Leroy, Garrett, Barry, Matt, or Mick, who also sent me emails with German language subject headers today, and over the weekend.

Suzie, I feel we've made connection. And now I've got your email address, I look forward to cyberstalking you for years to come.

Love, Rob.

May 13, 2005

Oil be seeing you

Couldn't help but be fascinated by this story, some of which I heard on Five Live this evening on the way home. While the US were issuing press statements asking for restraint and blaming "extremists" and muslim "terrorist groups", a sequence of guests on the Drive show told Peter Allen that (a) it wasn't about Islam; that (b) it wasn't really about democracy as such; (c) that the people released from prison were really just businessmen who'd been trying to gain some economic freedom from a repressive regime; (d) that the repressive regime had been in place for years and that it was being propped up by enormous amounts of US money; (e) that there are oil reserves in Uzbekistan; (f) that the former British ambassador had resigned his post because of the lies he was being asked to support, and that he had investigated unexplained deaths in custody and found evidence of torture - including one guy who was boiled to death.

Still, the Americans were releasing statements talking about Muslim extremists.

We know we've been lied to, but I have never heard those lies being uncovered and revealed so blatantly on live radio before.

Fantastic.

To summarise:

Afghanistan: oil pipeline
Iraq: oil reserves
Uzbekistan: oil reserves.

The frightening thing here is that this naked and rampant pillaging of oil is serious and ongoing. These people aren't playing games, and they will not let up. And they obviously don't care any more about being consistent or even remotely truthful.

As the oil runs out, these wars for the final reserves will get more and more vicious. Who'd a thunk it? The world is full of people willing to die for ideas, and yet WWIII is being fought over people's right to choke the planet with SUVs and buy chinese microphones and guitars for peanuts.

Bastard!

Bloody Greil Marcus in the bloody Guardian, writing about Like a Rolling Stone. Again. I'd hoped he was dead.

The really annoying thing about this, I was going to write something along very similar lines for the blog.

Anyway, younger readers should know: Greil Marcus articles should carry a health warning. Remember, this is the man who thought Self Portrait was "shit." On the other hand, I am the man who thinks Mystery Train (the book, not the song) is shite.

Food Controversy Rocks Observer Blog

with_lemon_and_garlic

It's always interesting to see the things people get het up about over at the Observer Blog. This time it's to do with food, and one of those Sunday supplement lists. Most people either turn the page and ignore it or simply enjoy it on its own terms. Others get a bit hot under the collar that anybody would dare to talk about gastronomy while there's even one hungry child in the world.

There's that scene in one of the Woody Allen movies - can't ever enjoy himself if there's even one person unhappy in the world. Was it Anne Hall (Anhedonia) or Stardust Memories?

Or, as Bruce Springsteen once said, "Nobody wins unless everybody wins."

I enjoy a bit of food myself. I find that I regularly get hungry, no matter what day it is, and I end up eating something. Rather than eat grey mush out of a tin cup with a broken spoon, I tend to try to make something enjoyable and vaguely good for me.

Last night, for example, I made a tortilla with onions, pepper, mushrooms, and new potatoes - 4 eggs, but I only ate a quarter, so 1 egg.

But the people on the Observer Blog who criticise and carp on about starving people? Well, to me, they're more crass and offensive than the actual list itself could ever hope to be. First of all, yeah, right-on, but if you hate the Sunday Supplement middle-classness of it all, what are you doing reading the Observer in the first place? Frankly, I don't see many Snottingham working class types reading papers like the Guardian and Observer. Your broadsheet customer is, on the whole, middle-class by default, even if they did read one chapter of Das Kapital at University and think "we're all working class really."

The guy who posted "Share a biscuit with an Ethiopian child" 67 times must be great fun to know. I love people who go round the internet looking to pick fights.

As for the gastronomy, I can take or leave your 238-course meal for 16 quid, or whatever it was. I've had multi-course meals on occasions in France, and I always stop enjoying the food after I've stuffed myself on h'ors d'oevres, which is always the best bit.

But - and here's the point - much of the list provided by the Observer and contributors to the Blog is all about local food, local produce. The best food is fresh food, and the only way to get fresh food is not to be down Tesco when it opens (it never closes, does it?) to get food that has trundled up and down motorways for several days. It's to be there, on the ground, in the locality.

As far as I'm concerned, and I think Simon will agree, the future lies in local produce. It has a lower impact on the environment and is better for us all - including that biscuitless Ethiopian kid - in the long term. So, if you think about it, it is kinda politically correct to sing the praises of local food. Sure, you have to travel to get there to enjoy it, but people do travel don't they? Sometimes the most right-on sandal wearing vegetarian socialist types travel the furthest.

But even if you don't travel, you can take from such lists the strong message that local is best, and apply it to your own life, in as many ways as you can. That way, everybody does win.

May 12, 2005

Does not compute

Hmm. So, according to Sky News : Britain Is In For A Scorcher This Summer. Which is all over the airwaves as well this morning. They say,
The Met Office says average temperatures in June, July and August will be unusually high

And of course el governmente spokesperson is warning old people to stay in the fridge.

But over at The BBC Weather Centre web site, I find the following (quoted in full from the end of the article):
Summer 2005 - Latest Update May 2005
The Met Office's Hadley Centre produces global experimental seasonal forecasts for precipitation and temperature, to get a picture of weather in the coming months. The forecast for this summer (June, July and August) favours a trend towards average to above average temperatures in Scotland and southwestern parts of England. For rest of the UK however, temperatures look to be around average.

For southwestern parts of the UK below average rainfall may be experienced, whereas elsewhere rainfall amounts are likely to be around average. These figures however, are the predicted general trends for the summer as a whole and what we must remember are the individual regional and temporal events which characterise our true British summer.

So which is it, Met Office? Scorcher, or "averagely average, depending on where you live"?

Anyway, what a load of crock. They can't predict the weather 5 days ahead, so why should we believe them predicting 3 months ahead? Stuff and nonsense, I tell ye. My prediction? Over time, everything will tend to be average. Which is why I so often say, "Average," when people ask how I am.

My other prediction: Everton will be relegated next year.

Sacré Bleu! Domage!

Non! It is raining in the Vendée today and tomorrow.

The little animations on meteo.fr for tomorrow show clouds moving across the face of the sun and then rain coming down, over and over again. Further south in Poitou Charentes, there is thunder and lightning, it's a little bit frightening.

The state of weather animation in France is clearly very advanced. Though I think they should add small buildings and people, like in Sim City. Then they could show them all running around panicking during the severest thunder storms. They could show them being washed away in floods, and dragged out to sea on rip tides.

May 11, 2005

A cabbage into town

Simon's mention of misheard lyrics, vis a vis Gary Glitter (see below) put me in mind of my favourite misheard lyric, which is from Bob Dylan's "Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts" (on Blood on the Tracks): "Rosemary combed her hair and took a cabbage into town."

Bob Dylan has been in the air lately. I blame The Observer blog, for featuring a link to an "hilarious" flash animation about Robert Kilroy Silk, featuring a full rendition of "Mr Tangerine Man." Which is funny, until you realise that the spoof is as long as the original.

And it made me think about the original and want it really bad so that it hurt not to have it. Why didn't I have it? Long story.

Many months ago, I heard on the radio part of "A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall," and because it's something I think about a lot at the moment, I noticed how clean and clear the recording was. I've previously expressed the opinion that record production has been going steadily downhill since around 1975, and I'm entirely serious about that. Sinatra's Capitol recordings from the 50s, the Beatles in the 60s, and Bob Dylan's output (up to Desire) all sound far better than anything recorded since.

You might think, how could you go wrong recording something as simple as an acoustic guitar? But I can think of any number of records with shitty-sounding acoustics, and the quality of the Dylan stuff is extraordinary; his vocals have a stunning clarity to them as well.

So it was hearing the spoof Mr Tangerine Man that made me remember that, and I was filled with a need to get something. Why didn't I have it?

Well, I did. I had it all, everything by Dylan up to and including World Gone Wrong and something else he put out in the mid-90s. The term Played To Death was invented for me, and the way I play records. I had a whole Dylan collection and I'd played it to death, and I just didn't listen anymore. And I just do not keep things that I don't use/play, so I sold the whole lot at various car boot sales. Didn't even keep Biograph, the first box set they put out, which makes me as dumb as a day-old puppy, because I just went and purchyased it all over again.

I considered the original Greatest Hits (the one that had things up to Blonde on Blonde on it), and The Essential Dylan and others, but then I remembered that Biograph has "Mr Tambourine Man" on it - and, crucially, "Up To Me," which is one of his legendary unreleased songs.

He uses a great line on the Live at Budokan set: "Here is an unrecorded song... See if you can guess which one it is."

If Played To Death was invented for me, then Perverse and Mysterious was invented for Bob. So much is known. If it's hard to get across to the non-Dylan fan why you love his music, it's perhaps easier to explain if you can point out things like "Up To Me."

A perfect recording, this song (featuring just Dylan, his guitar and harpmonica, and a bass) rings out clear and strong from the opening line:
Everything went from bad to worse, money never changed a thing...

It dates from 1974, and the Blood on the Tracks sessions. I don't know whether it's from the first, aborted sessions (see The Bootleg Series for some of those recordings), but it does sound like it belongs on Blood on the Tracks.

Unlike most artists, Dylan had not just one, but two, golden periods. His early rock trilogy from '65 and '66, plus The Basement Tapes would sit in anyone's CV and make them one of the greats; the fact that he went on to do Blood on the Tracks and Desire almost a decade later makes him incredible; for my money you can add Planet Waves and even Street Legal (badly produced as it is) to the fold. In fact, for my money you can add Slow Train Coming too, but that's probably beyond the pale for most.

Blood on the Tracks is superb, but when you hear "Up to Me," you have to ask yourself just how fucking good it would have been with that on it. Because this isn't an out-take, or an aborted attempt. It's fully realised song, with some of the best verses he ever wrote. Like this one, that I bored Andrew with yesterday:
The only decent thing I did when I worked as a postal clerk
Was to haul your picture down off the wall near the cage where I used to work
Was I a fool or not to protect your real identity?
You looked a little burned out, my friend
I thought it might be up to me

But he didn't put it on the record: he left it off, and it was included as a bonus on Biograph. Not an isolated case, either, because Biograph is full of really quite wonderful - but unreleased - tracks from all periods of his career - like "Lay Down Your Weary Tune" (on which his voice sounds incredible) and "I'll Keep it With Mine."

(I can think of a couple of reasons he might have decided not to release it. He writes in Chronicles, his memoirs, about the recording of "Series of Dreams," another excellent song he left off Oh Mercy. Basically, he gets too close to things and if they don't match his original vision, he loses interest and moves on, forgetting all about them. The other thing is that the last verse is a little bit lame; possibly a little too obviously personal, too, and the sort of thing that might grate on you. But Bob: the previous verse would have made a great last verse, so edit it out, man.)

So, anyway, that's what I've been listening to in the car. It feels weird to be enjoying it again after so many years without it, but one of life's unexpected pleasures, I suppose.

May 10, 2005

Looking forward

Please join with me in checking daily weather reports for the Vendee, in anticipation of my forthcoming holiday.

Thank you.

Clarks Originals

I bought a pair of new Desert boots the other day. You should know about me that I can basically wear two kinds of shoes: Dr Martens (boots with only 3 pairs of holes) and Clarks Originals Desert Boots (should be Clark's with an apostrophe, but that's not how Clarks do it). I've even tried other kinds of desert boots, but they're all rubbish. Tried a ridiculously expensive pair on in John Lewis the other day and they felt like 10 Euro Halles aux Chaussures specials.

And now archaeologists have found the original Clarks Original shoe, in a hollowed-out tree trunk.

BBC NEWS | England | Somerset | Iron Age shoe unearthed at quarry: "The Iron Age relic was found in a hollowed tree trunk set into the ground at Whiteball Quarry, near Wellington.
Archaeologists say the shoe is the equivalent of a size 10 and is so well-preserved that stitch and lace holes are still visible in the leather."

Not my size though. Size 44. Est ce que vous l'avez dans une taille quarante trois??

May 09, 2005

But can I switch it off?

I remain underwhelmed by Dashboard under OS X Tiger. It strikes me as being similar in nature and purpose to Sherlock, once Apple had removed the useful hard drive search feature from it.

I just can't imagine being the kind of person who needs constant weather, stock, etc updates. On-line dictionairies are fairly humbucking useless anyway, and I can always type define: into the google window in Safari, which is quicker and easier. As for weather forecasts, I can get those from the BBC or Meteo.fr, if I happen to be interested. The time, believe it or not, is always in the menu bar, and Top Calculette, including all kinds of unit conversions, lives in my dock.

Dashboard, such as it is, is mere eye candy, one too many keystrokes away, and my experience is that a lot of the widgets have been programmed by 12-year olds as a means of showing off, and they're not properly thought through and not very useful.

So having got through almost a whole working day without even thinking of it once, I wondered... can it be switched off? Because I'm resenting the processor cycles it uses. Yet there is no Quit command, and it doesn't even appear in the Force Quit menu.

So now I'm really resenting those processor cycles. It feels like being forced to run something you don't want to, even though it sucks processor power away from more important things; plus it's putting calls onto the web, sucking unnecessary bandwidth, which means with several people running it in the office, that everybody suffers the consequences.

This is crap!

I feel the same way about the RSS features of Safari - sucking information off the web automatically smacks of stupidity and waste. So I've quit all widgets and chucked it out of the Dock, but it's still chundering away in the background, like the mad woman in the attic. Grrr!

The most over-used term in computer geekery is "cool." Features get implemented, software gets bloated, because people think it will be "cool." It is undeniably "cool" to see the eye candy of OS X at work. But is it useful? I'm not being hopelessly utilitarian here, but I do hold on to the reason I've always preferred a Mac: because the operating system doesn't get in the way of productivty. Except, increasingly, it does.

While I'm sure there are people in the world who do want news and stock prices constantly being updated in front of their eyes, I think those people are best off running an application. At least Konfabulator, from which Dashboard freely borrows, had a Quit command. I find it incredibly frustrating that developers at Apple spent time developing something that belongs in the 3rd party realm. And then to implement it without offering the option of switching it off - that smacks of being so far up their own backside they're tickling their own tonsils. It seems decadent, like using a great big pickup with a V8 engine to drive half a mile to drop the kids off at school.

May 06, 2005

Me Me Me

In case you're wondering why it is all me me me at the moment, it's because Simon is on holiday and Andrew and Roy have replaced their typing fingers with hooks or something.

Which is not an invitation to go and break into Simon's house. He hasn't really got all those guitars he posts about on GuitarGAS. That's just his rich fantasy life. All he really has is a one-stringed banjo and a wooden plectrum.

TV Hell

Interesting that in this brief interview with Robert Downey Jr from the Guardian, the journalist is told specifically "...that mentioning drugs, guns or jail will result in our swift ejection from the room."

Interesting, because in his embarrassing appearance on Jonathan Ross' chatshow, Ross talked about almost nothing but.

Now I'm no apologist for poor old celebs, and if they don't want the questions to be asked, then they sure as hell know what to do. Nobody held a gun to Downey's head and made him record an album, after all.

On the other hand, whenever I catch any of Jonathan Ross' show (I see about half of an episode once per series when I can't be arsed to go to bed), I always find his interviews excrutiatingly embarrassing, pointless, and repetitive.

One I saw was with Kate Beckinscale, and all he said to her was how great she was looking, how beautiful she looked, etc etc., ad nauseam, for about 10 minutes. In other words, nothing to say to her at all, aside from the resolutely shallow and meaningless kind of compliment she probably gets paid in Hollywood all the time. For the audience watching at home, who can see how great she looks for themselves, it was like watching paint dry.

Same thing with Downey Jr. Over and over again, the drugs, the drink, the arrests, the wild times. Stuff we all already knew, so neither interesting nor pertinent.

TV execs think Ross has some kind of golden touch, but I think he's guilty of the same sins he always was, the habits and attitudes that saw his career in the toilet for most of the 90s. He plays up to the studio audience (which doesn't work for the tv viewers the show is supposedly for), and he plays with his stack of cards, flicks his hair, labours all his jokes to death, and clearly doesn't have anyone in his team who bothers to research his interview subjects. Oh, and he acts like he's the best mate of whoever is on, which is clearly not true.

In the case of Downey Jr., I'd have gone straight out of the studio, had it been me, and put out a contract on Ross' life.

May 05, 2005

Behind the Number Two Door...

maria_mckee
maria_mckee,
originally uploaded by mcmrbt.
...in today's new listening, this fresh outing for Saint Maria of McKee, the woman who's had more incarnations than Doctor Who.

This is her best outing for ten years or more, since the George Drakoulias-produced effort of the early 1990s. Since that time, she's released a couple of records bereft of decent tunes, hamstrung by a determinedly indie style of production and packaging.

With the best will in the world, I just couldn't bear to listen.

Back when I was largely ignorant of the world of female (country) vocals, I found Maria McKee's voice awe-inspiring. Particularly, live, I didn't think anyone could possibly belt 'em out like her.

Times change, and I guess Trisha Yearwood, Martina McBride, Faith Hill, Lari White, Joy Lynn White and Natalie out of the Dixie Chicks all give her a run for her money. They have the advantage, too, of the pick of great songs from great songwriters, while Ms McKee mostly sticks to her own material: a weakness.

So what's this one like? Still a fairly home-brewed production, but with a stronger set of songs. Some of it sounded pretty good, so it's certainly going to repay further listens. I'd still say there aren't any belting good tunes on this one (like "You Gotta Sin To Get Saved" etc), but it's definitely got more inthe way of melody than of late.

On the other hand, that voice, perhaps lacking the exercise she was giving it in the 80s and early 90s (or perhaps because of all the live dates in smoky clubs), isn't what it was. It's still good at times, but there's more yelping and yodelly type sounds than I'm strictly comfortable with.

Still, like Shelby Lynne, whose album is out towards the end of the month, you gotta support Maria, even if you end up selling it on.

From famine to feast

kasey_chambers
kasey_chambers,
originally uploaded by mcmrbt.
After several months without much in the way of new music in the car, a flurry of recent releases and impulse buys means I've now got an embarrassment of riches.

Kasey Chambers is an Australian sort-of alt-country type artiste. Her material ranges from sublimely good ("The Captain") to self-indulgent and boring.

Her sound appeals to me only sometimes. I purchyased her previous two records and then sold them on. I may end up doing the same with this one. It's not half bad - I'd listen again, but I think the problem with people like this is that they write too much about themselves.

She's one of those women with a stud in her bottom lip (or between the bottom lip and the chin) - which for me means the kind of person I imagine would be a total nightmare of self-obsession and attention-seeking imagined crises. Hard work, in other words, and high maintenance.

In other words, not even a "1" on the scale - or, if a "1", then one with a paper bag on the head (to hide the stud) and a sock in the mouth (to stop the moaning).

So many of her songs seem to start with "If I was..." or "When I was..." etc. that I wonder if she's even noticed. Here's a selection of some of her opening lines:

I'm a little bit lonesome

If I fall like rain

Well I am a wayward angel

If I was in a movie

Well I don't have as many friends because
I'm not as pretty as I was

If I was good

If I could learn how to fly

Etc. Etc. So you can see it can start to grate on your nerves after a while. The other thing is, and I'm sorry to get back on my hobby horse, but it's way too long. When the Beatles put 14 tracks on a record, they were 2-2.5 minutes long, in most cases. 14 tracks of this self-obsessive rambling is just too much by far. By the time we're on track 11, I'm ready to open a vein, and I stop listening.

This modern trend for extra long albums is a pain in the arse - making all of them double albums really, and we all know how good they tend to be.

May 04, 2005

Mock the Vote

A lot of you have written to ask, just how will you be voting, come polling day, if you can be bothered, that is, to shift your arse and walk down to the polling station?

Obviously, I cannot speak for the other members of the team, whose political views range from rabid right wing frothing mouthed New Labour supporters to basically Communist Green Party supporters.

Myself, I don't think I have much choice on the day, because I live in a "safe" Conservative seat, and though there are candidates from UKIP, Labour and Lib Dem, I think that just about does it. The Lib Dem candidate is a mere slip of a lad, 24 years old, so you can tell how seriously they're taking the whole thing.

So here's my reasoning.

  • Conservative. I will never. Ever. Forgive them. For what they did to this country. The breakdown in our society, the selfishness, the violence, the mean streak that afflicts us, the state of our transport system, the state of our hospitals, the state of our schools and even those school dinners: all their fault. Ringtones, directory enquiries, cowboy clampers, cowboy gas/electricity/telecoms companies, drought, crap music in the charts: all their fault.

  • UKIP. Why do people hate the EU? Because, socially, the EU is basically socialist. UKIP are essentially people too mealy-mouthed to join the Bee eN Pee.

  • Labour. It's not that you had an affair - it's who you had it with. The war in Iraq raises many issues, but the major one for me has been the unedifying spectacle of a Labour government - a Labour government! - going to war as closest ally to and at the behest of a bonkers right wing regime: the Bush administration. There is something badly wrong in the world when the oil company-backed puppet president of some seriously whacky people is able to persuade a Labour government to go to war on a platform of "energy security."

    And it's not just that you had an affair - you didn't wear a condom. They just wanted rid of Saddam, so they had absolutely no regard for what would happen after they'd achieved that. Not enough troops for a proper occupation and no plan for the peace.

    As for identity cards - don't get me started. Do they think I'm stupid?

    Vote Blair get Brown? Maybe - but I've little faith in Gordon Brown. He's a tinkerer. The tax system now bears all the hallmarks of a tinker, a meddler. It's not clean, it's not transparent. Little tweaks here and there, that's what you get with Mr Brown. At least the Lib Dems have always been honest about their tax plans.

  • Lib Dem - 1% on income tax, they've been saying it for years - fine. Do it. Do something. Against the war. Fine. Against identity cards - fine. In favour of votes for prisoners - er, not an election winner. Capable of running the country? Probably not, but then nobody else in politics really is.


If there was a Green candidate, I might consider it, because I think that ultimately we'll all have to like being Green or lump it. But there isn't. Perhaps I should join the party and run myself, next time. I'd make a great Prime Minister - despotic but always right.

And finally, a special message for the nation's farmers: next time you're reeling from a self-inflicted wound, a foot-and-mouth epidemic, or BSE, or floods, fire and famine, I'm going to think about all those "Vote Conservative" posters I saw in your fields, next to the piles of manure and rusting machinery. Self reliance, hangin', floggin', huntin' with hounds - that's who you are. So when you next need help - help yourself.

May 03, 2005

What immortal hand or eye / Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

tiger
tiger,
originally uploaded by mcmrbt.
So. . I was prepared to be underwhelmed by the experience, as this is one of those operating system upgrades that seems to be all about underlying technology and less about user experience.

If you've used Konfabulator, then you've seen Dashboard, or something like it, so bof to that. There's more eye candy, and a big so what to that, too. I always resent (and switch off where possible) anything that eats unnecessary processor cycles.

Then there's spotlight, which is undeniably the most impressive "Find" function I've ever seen. Extraordinarily quick, extraordinarily accurate. The results start appearing as soon as you start typing (too quick? More unnecessary processor cycles?), and it finds everything with the remotest connection to the word you type. It finds the songwriting credits on MP3 files, emails, and even internet bookmarks.

Superb, but not necessarily of a great deal of use. I tend to remember where I put stuff, and I'm generally pretty organised with things I intend to keep in the long term. The fundamental problem of losing things on computers is about a LACK of keywords. All those digital photos called PICT004567.jpg etc that come out of your digital camera. Who has time to go through and add keywords to all of them?

For example, I took over 150 photos this weekend alone - am I going to keyword them? No. I rely on the fact that iPhoto keeps them more or less in the order I took them, and shows me a thumbnail view of each one.

So , impressive as it is, isn't really going to help with things like that. As for the rest, I've not had a problem in the past. So who identified this need? Where are all these people who complain about losing files on their computers? I'd hate to get stuck in a lift with them, because they're all idiots, obviously.

In the end, it's just dumbed down, innit? You're too thick to keep your files in order? Here y'are, then, we've made it easy for you to be as sloppy and stupid as you like. Too lazy to visit the BBC web site for a forecast? Here you go, one keystroke away, a completely innacurate weather forecast for a place that's actually quite a long way from where you live.

I'm sure under the surface this really is the most advanced and easy to use consumer operating system you could hope for, but to an experienced and competent end user, it's more or less exactly the same as the last one.

Oh, and Rendezvous is now called Bonjour, which I think it has been for a while. Stupid name.



One man's cheap plastic crap...

dumped_dysons
dumped_dysons,
originally uploaded by mcmrbt.
...is another man's fortune.

I know a lot of people with Dyson cyclone cleaners, and they all swear by them. People are of course reluctant to admit they've made an expensive mistake.

Personally, I wouldn't have one in the house just because they're so flamin' ugly. Their washing machines are hideous, too. And as for that new floor cleaner they're advertising with the wheelbarrow ball in it... wha? So what if it goes round corners? Does it clean the fucking floor, that's what I want to know.

Vacuum cleaning is only partly about suction. There's a bigger picture that encompasses the brushes (which beat the dirt and dust out of the carpet, or agitate it enough for the suction to work), and the filters, which take dust and pollen etc out of the air.

It doesn't matter how powerful the motor is, really: if your filters get blocked, you lose suction, and the thing is less efficient. If you get hair wrapped round the brushes and they stop spinning, the thing won't work at all.

Sebo. That's what we've got, what my sister has, what I think my parents had. The brushes are excellent (you can get a proper staircase brush and extension that spins just like the one in the machine), and the 3-way filtering system is superb. The filtering is so good that this is the cleaner you should have if you have an asthmatic in your household.

The bag has 3 layers, and there are two other filters. You're supposed to replace the other filters about every ten bags, and you can buy a kit that has everything you need. When the bag is full, the efficiency of the thing is lower, but replace the bag and it's full-on again.

It's plain but sturdy, and little bits don't snap and fall off like they do on some others.

As for the Dysons, the dump does not lie. There are two things to say about this. My point of view, the fact that there are always so many at the dump (and they're not the same ones) is enough evidence not to buy one. You see other brands occasionally (as in the photo), but a much lower proportion (and I've never seen a Sebo).

The other thing to say is that I had a chat with one of the dump employees and he said that most of them aren't really broken. People just throw them away because they don't read the instructions. All they usually need to do is change the filters, but they don't do this. Instead someone comes to the dump, buys them for a nominal price, refurbishes them and sells them on for 100 quid a pop.

So, you're now thinking, see, they aren't crap after all. But if end users are so badly informed about a piece of technology they own so that they don't know how to properly maintain and use it, then (like Microsoft operating systems) that technology is crap.

I think this means the Dyson advertising (all that guff about no loss of suction) is misleading. Because if the filters get blocked, you lose suction. Yet you've been told specifically that it doesn't lose suction, so you think it's broken.

Coleman's made their fortune from the mustard you don't eat, the bit you leave on the plate etc. I wonder if it's not the same with Dyson: they're making money from the people who buy them and throw them away - and then buy them again?